The first submission!

Friday
March 13,
1998

This is absolutely amazing. It's so nice to talk about this and not get that annoying, panicked look some people get when I start going off about body functions, the look that reminds me of a deer caught in car headlights. 

Anyway, I should be starting mine in about two days--it's so much more regular now that I'm on the pill. The cramps come first, followed by several hours of walking around with a precautionary maxi in, wondering if it has started yet (it's really hard to tell!) and finally satisfaction when the first dark blood shows up, bittersweet organic smell and clots and everything. I dig smelling in general. I wish people weren't so obsessive about hygiene. I want to smell *them*, not their Old Spice. Anyway, I love it when I'm bleeding so thinkly that I can sit and open my legs and smell it. It makes me feel powerful for some reason that I haven't figured out yet. 

And tampons. Now that I know how to work them, they're great, but I remember how humiliated and frustrated I felt when, around the age of 16, I couldn't figure out where to put them or how to put them so that they didn't fall out. My vagina seemed like such a mystery to me. All those folds and hollows and indentations...how on earth was I supposed to manoeuvre this thing into a hidden whole somewhere I couldn't even see? (The mirror thing hadn't occurred to me at that point.) To make a long story short, after hours spent on the bathroom floor, yelling to my little brother that no, he couldn't come in, and would he please leave me alone, dammit, I figured it out. I was rather surprised at how deep I was. This led directly to my initiation into the joy of masturbation...but that's a story for another time. 

[E note:  Right Solvei, that's what the sister page, Vagina, is for.] 

Being a woman is fun. 

March 16,
1998

I guess I was lucky, because I've never been ashamed to bleed.  Any sense of "delicacy" I had, I got over at an early age.  Now I carry my tampons around in a clear plastic bag, say "I'm bleeding" rather than use some pathetic euphemism, and at home the box of tampons sits on top of the toilet in full view. 

I attribute this partly to my own general Bitchiness (hey, might as well take credit where credit is due) and partly to my mother's sensible attitude about this and all other bodily functions.  She answered my ten-year-old self's random question about "sex" with a full ten-year-old-level education about sexual intercourse, babies and menstruation.  (At the time, of course, I thought it was *so gross* what people do to get babies, but I soon changed my mind...) 

When my first period finally came, I went and told my mother and my aunt, and they just smiled and said "Welcome to the club!"  Then my mother showed me what I needed to know about pads and belts (OK, so I'm dating myself here) and left me to my own devices (so to speak).  I didn't try tampons until years later, but since then I've never looked back -- I just use a thin supplementary pad on the heaviest days. 

I've also been lucky about PMS -- no real horror stories to tell there; at most I get a little constipated and a lot horny.  (Once, though, I had really bad cramps, so I do know what it's like.) 

Lucky, or smart, in my choice of partners too -- none of them has been particularly squeamish about blood on the sheets or about having sex at "that time of the month".  (There's a euphemism for you -- but one of the less offensive ones, IMO.) 

But none of that is to say that my menstrual life has been at all 
normal. I had irregular periods from the start, and it just got worse 
until, at 22 or so, I was bleeding for two or three weeks running, about every three months.  Naturally, medical science did not have an answer for me.  I didn't want to go on the pill (doses were much higher and more dangerous in those days), so I fell into the hands of two endocrinologists at my HMO who used me as a guinea pig in their hormone-treatment experiments. 

They had a theory that, since my blood tests showed high androgen levels (tsk, tsk!  Not ladylike at all!  I *was* ashamed of that), that what I needed was *more* androgens taken artificially to suppress my body's natural production of them (not that they used the word "natural" there...)  Their pills did nothing at all for me, and oddly enough, the docs themselves didn't seem that interested. 

It was a year and a half later when I made an appointment to see them and fill them in on the failure of their experiment.  They said, "oh no, you don't have to keep taking those".  (Well, OK, I was young and ignorant at the time, and actually believed in the solemn sacredness of a doctor's prescription.) 

After that, I just suffered with it for another eight years, and finally did go on birth-control pills (by then they'd become much safer).  With the pills, I bleed regularly and moderately, but I sometimes think of getting off them just to see what would happen next. 

BTW, what's with the "strawberries"?  Mine come out in long, rubbery tubes, reminiscent of dark-red calamari, if anything.  I love the color of them, and the slippery feel of them between my fingers. 

March 16,
1998
 

But then I start my period and I'm my own normal sweet self. Heh heh heh heh.. 

I bleed extremely heavily for about the first three days, and then it tapers off. During that time, most of my thoughts are consumed by sex. Yes, I get EXTREMELY *erg* horny. At first I was completely freaked by that, being it was my messiest time...but I came to know that it doesn't matter.  Be horny - whatever time of the month!!!!! 

This might seem strange, but in the past couple of years I've felt the most sexy during my period. It's like an affirmation. Yes, I am a woman. I can bleed for five days (or more) and still live. It's a powerful feeling. I've heard men that have distrusted women just because they're the only animal breathing that can bleed for five days straight and still live. To me, it's come to be a sign of strength.

A meaty
smelling bitch

March 12, 1998
 

I'm looking at your page right now. It's really interesting. I really like the bleed page. (one suggestion: on the journal page, I was having a bit of trouble reading it due to the light text on a light background problem. Might want to change that to make it easier.)  [Done, thanks for the tip -E] 

About bleeding... 

I get heavy heavy periods. As in, plug me with cotton, I'm gonna explode! 

I have always been anemic, but I don't bleed the way you do. In fact, I have marginally low blood pressure, so I don't bleed that much at all.  I'm constantly amazed at how much blood comes out of other people when they get cut.  I cut my finger once, deeply, down to the bone, on the knuckle. I still cringe when I think about looking down and seeing what seemed to me to be blood vessels in my finger, crosscut. *shiver*  But the bleeding was stopped very quickly, and we were able to bandage me up and I never had a problem with it.  Except that terror I have.... I have a severe phobia of being broken, cut in any way. I've passed out when doctors brought needles near me. I've screamed and run away - literally.  And I'm shaking now, just typing (and using the delete key too much to fix typos due to it), so I think I'll stop with that. 

My periods never bothered me at all, though. Not in that sense. I never felt like there was something wrong with me because of them.  I was a strange one - I had been to the other end of the spectrum. My mother institutionalized it for me. It was all doctor's terms and ideas, no emotion involved (she was like that a lot with all four of us). I wasn't living at home when I got my first period at twelve. I called her to tell her about it, and she told me (or maybe it was my sister) that my sister had had hers for months now. My younger sister. I don't know why I was so devastated by that, but I was. I guess I thought that this was my passage into womanhood, and I wanted it to be mine, just for a little while.  Mom bringing Judith into that was like saying "no, it isn't yours, everyone has it and it's nothing special at all".  I agree with nothing to be ashamed of, but nothing special hurts. 

Personally, I think it's a big thing.  Despite the pain I get with it (I get horrible cramps, and I do get PMS - there is no other explanation for my predictably angry behavior even to those who have done nothing every month), I think it is a special part of me.  I am Woman. I am Alive.  I am Strong enough to bleed for seven days, and not only survive, but feel _better_ afterwards.  I can Endure pain that men don't usually ever get. 

     I felt much the same way about childbirth. I have heard some people say that when a man passes a gallstone, it is the closest he will ever come to childbirth. If so, they will never get anywhere close. The leadup, the sore back and swollen ankles that happen during the pregnancy, the unexplainable cravings for certain minerals or vitamins or foods... all of these things are as inherent in childbirth as the labor itself.  And I dont' think any man has had thirty-six hours of labor to pass a gallstone. Sorry boys. Like the Blood, Labor is something you will never understand. 

     After having gone through that, and my Blood, I always have something to keep me from being afraid of pain. I went in to have a root canal recently, Bleeding!  I was terrified that it would hurt a lot, and constantly, for days.  Throughout it all, I kept thinking to myself, "I went through childbirth, I spent 36 hours grunting and straining and screaming in pain, I can get through this." I did. It didn't even hurt. I suspect that there was _some_ element of mind over matter in that, as I didn't get my usual menstrual cramps during that hour and a half either.  Although it was twice as bad once we left the office. *groan* I walked out the door just fine, and in the hallway, near the elevator, I was suddenly writhing on the floor in pain. *sigh* So much for that day. *laugh* 

     I have been very very regular, almost since day one.  I have a 31-day cycle (although after childbirth, it was an every-holiday cycle -- I got it at every holiday for months before it evened out to 31 days again).  I can predict myself to within a few hours, even sometimes to within half an hour. I get a half-day  of pink blood, and then a day or two of red red red soft splooshy blood.  Then I get a few days of brown clotty stuff that almost looks like... hrm... if you have ever had a piece of wet toilet paper that came apart, you have seen the strings it rolls into.  Well, that's what the brown clots that come out of me look like. Dried up brown boogers or something. The smell, which starts as a very meaty, raw steak sort of smell, turns to a slightly-rotten meat smell while I clot, and then changes back to my normal, varying, impossible-to-describe-entirely  smell. 

     I also itch a lot at that time, for some unknown reason. I take a shower (we don't currently have a bathtub) twice a day or so - the hot water helps me. Heat seems to help immeasurably with dealing with the cramps. 

Hrm... I don't know what else to add, really. *shrug* So I guess that's all for now. Bye bye. *grin* 

The Evil Temptress 
aka Elthia 

In response 
to the Bleed
thread on HBI

March 12, 1998
 

I love this topic. (As you all well know). I also groove on eating, drinking. I like all my body functions (because I sometimes envision life WITHOUT 'em...pretty scary. 

Although I wouldn't recommend tasting ALL of the fluids that come out of our bodies, I understand  the sentiment behind tasting menstrual fluid. Most of us DO suck our wounds, why not the WISE one? Overcome that mental taboo (I think that if you are even willing to consider it, then consider the taboo broken) and just explore yourself. 

[One bitch mentioned that PMS is a great time to stop suffering idiots and assholes-E] 

See, this is partially what I have always maintained about PMS. My theory being that bleeding doesn't tolerate bullshit and you are less likely to eat shit politely with a knife and fork during this time.. I also believe that once you break this mental "PMS" barrier of sorts, the intense pains, cramping and anger lessen. I believe that the anger we feel at this time is carried over from the rest of the month, it builds up and we lash out, we snarl. Once we stop tolerating inequities with a smile loaded with the venom we dare not speak (for whatever reason), it lessens because it's not backed up.  Many women disagree with me.  I still secretly believe I'm right, and they are in denial. I'm arrogant like that. 

I get really aroused during this time as well. Towels and showers accomodate the mess, for me. 

[previous poster mentioned how she dealt with menstural-related pain] 

Does exercise work for you?  It did for me. One of the hardest things for me to do, however, is convince myself to move, but once I do, the bleeding flows and the cramping stops. My cramps always coincide with passing strawberries though. I like that feeling too. 

Erica, I call 'em strawberries for many reasons, one of which is the gag factor in listening males (and squeemish females).  [That Jade, she's such a bitch!] 

You know, my periods were so bad when I was younger that I was bed- ridden (and hot bath-ridden) for the second day.  Getting on the pill was a measure of freedom for me.  I recently got off the pill, and the difference was that I bled very heavily, and was too frequent and irregular. That was enough for me. I'm back on the pill and happy. 

Elthia said: 
couple of days of the brown stuff (clotty) that comes out after that. Almost not worth a pad. The smell changes, too. For the first couple of days, I smell very much like blood or raw fresh meat. But the next few I spend smelling like rotten meat...

     I notice a meaty smell too. It's kinda cool in a really sick way. 

[another poster brought up the issue of attaching a value, good or bad, to menstruation-E] 

I say it's good because it's good for me. My dreams are very vivid at this time, I wake up (if I sleep) with loads of creative energy, and I can barely concentrate to jot down all the ideas and inspirations. I feel high, and I like it. I like the feeling of bleeding too. It's warm, moist and comforting.  Not to mention all the magickal connotations... 

[A previous poster complained that douching made her feel less healthy and seemed an unnatrual idea-E] 

You know, one of my friends had the same problem.  She hated that vinegar thing. I don't mind it, but I do it infrequently.  She used baking soda in her bath water, and that used to irritate the shit out of me. Perhaps our Phs are different? Who's the science grrl? 

Love...oh, Blood and Bitches 
Jade 

She encourages
vampirism in
her house plants

March 12, 1998

Hi Erica, 

...thank you for putting up "Bleed" and initiating such a frank discussion about menstruation in the process. I love it! 

Jade said: 
I love this topic. (As you all well know). I also groove on eating, drinking. I like all my body functions (because I sometimes envision life WITHOUT 'em...pretty scary.
: 
So do I. I haven't had much time to comment on it, but I visited the Bleed section of Erica's site and I love it! Trust a bitch to talk about what's really goin' on!  [What's a bitch to do? - E] 

I took an anatomy class in college, and I remember feeling such a great sense of wonder at how the body functions.  It's positively marvelous. So complex, so well made. It really puts concerns such as appearance in a proper perspective. I was a smoker at the time, and learning how my lungs functioned made me ashamed to be causing them so much harm.  I later 
quit. [grin] 

Jade advised: 
Although I wouldn't recommend tasting ALL of the fluids that come out of our bodies, I understand the sentiment behind tasting menstrual fluid. Most of us DO suck our wounds, why not the WISE one? Overcome that mental taboo (I think that if you are even willing to consider it, then consider the taboo broken) and just explore yourself.

I occasionally taste my vaginal fluids because I'm curious to know how I taste to a lover, but I've never thought of tasting my menstrual blood. Now I think I will!  If I can manage to with a dick in my mouth, that is! ;-)  [Bitchboard in-joke - E] 

I water my plants with my menstrual blood. It makes me feel positively carnivorous. I wear cloth pads instead of plastic, so when they are soaked I dunk them in water and use the resulting blood solution to water my plants. I was really grossed out the first time someone told me about this, and I gross out a lot of people when I tell them this, but when you think about it, it makes a lot of a sense. A common fertilizer is bone meal, which is ground-up bones and blood and such. Blood is filled with all kinds of nutrients. My plants love the stuff, the little vampires! 

Using cloth pads makes me feel good about my bleeding. There's a more direct contact involved. Down here ("down where? in the f*** basement?" "In Montreal, Whoopi.") a group called the Blood Systers sell marvelous cloth pads. I have one that's red and leopard-skin print on the outside. The removable cloth that goes on the inside has a picture of a cartoon cat that says "Pussy Power"! I love it! I'd much rather have that rubbing softly next to my cunt than a piece of plastic! Can you say, it feels like I'm wearing diapers?  I know you could. 

I also find that cloth pads are more absorbent. They are cheaper and they feel better. They aren't bleached with all kinds of toxic crap.  They are also pretty easy to sew yourself if you have even a marginal skill for sewing. And you won't find any insult-to-your-intelligence commercials for cloth pads that treat you like you are some kind of menstruating smurf.  [Several Bitches were irritated and insulted by the blue liquid used in "feminine protection" commericals - E] 

Jade again: 
See, this is partially what I have always maintained about PMS. My theory being that bleeding doesn't tolerate bullshit and you are less likely to eat shit politely with a knife and fork during this time.. I also believe that once you break this mental "PMS" barrier of sorts, the intense pains, cramping and anger lessen. 

I believe that the anger we feel at this time is carried over from the rest of the month, it builds up and we lash out, we snarl.  Once we stop tolerating inequities with a smile loaded with the venom we dare not speak (for whatever reason), it lessens because it's not backed up.

Many women disagree with me.  I still secretly believe I'm right, and they are in denial.  I'm arrogant like that.

I like that in a person. 

That horny Jade: 
I get really aroused during this time as well. Towels and showers
accomodate the mess, for me. 

I had a boyfriend who really wasn't grossed out by having sex when I was 
bleeding.  I would get this primeval "I have claimed this one as mine" feeling when I would see his thighs and hands all covered in my blood. 

My favorite remedy for menstrual cramps is orgasm. So when I'm in a lot of pain, I hop into the bathtub, my fave DIY sex spot anyways, and masturbate. The combination of hot water and orgasm usually helps quite a bit.  I also have one of those magic bags you heat up in the microwave. Crawling under the covers with my magic bag on my tummy helps too. 

[I'm starting to wonder if all bitches have (straw)berries - E] 

My friend Jeff, who is enlightened in most respects but sometimes acts like a stereotypical 17-year old nerd, was trying to gross me out one day.  He started telling me stories about throwing up, in gory detail, and I asked him to stop.  He didn't, so I started relating menstrual stories, which usually shuts up most guys.  Stories like: "I sit in the bathtub and these clumbs pop out and float around in the water.  Sometimes they get caught in my pubic hair."  To no avail. So I brought out my tales of working in stables and cleaning out horses' genitals. When I was done, he was begging me to 
stop. ;-)  (Moral of the story: don't try to outgross people who have worked with large farm animals.) 

It's usually bad for the first day or two, I get cramps and pain in my lower back, and then it's pretty good for the rest of my bleeding. 

I seem to smell like fish. 

In my better moments, I feel powerful when I'm bleeding. Tied to the earth. 
Fertile. Strong. I try to do something to celebrate myself.  I lie in bed eating frozen rasberries.  I wear flashy red underwear. 

[Julie responds to previous posts regarding douching.] 

I can't stand all that crap. "Let's sanitize female bodies. Let's pretend they don't exist." 

I grew up with so much shame around my body. I dreaded telling my mother that I had started bleeding.  The whole thing was shrouded in silence and shame.  I remember my mother giving me this extra-large tampon that seemed huge at the time.  I was young and a virgin then, so the idea of inserting such a big thing into my vagina scared me.  She said "what's the matter? You just stick it in your hole and push!"  Note the use of hole.  My whole teenage years where like this, all the important passages towards womanhood corrupted instead of celebrated.  My mother did not want me to become a woman.  When I started developing breasts, she bought me this ugly beige training bra.  Just the thing to make a young girl feel beautiful, isn't it?  To this day, she is terrified of my sexuality. 

Funny story: she came to visit me when I had injured my foot.  I couldn't walk very well and my house was a mess. My mother cleaned up my apartment while I was away at school.  For about a month, I couldn't find my vibrator and was wondering about it's whereabouts.  I found it in the 
filling cabinet, and I didn't put it there.  Sheesh.  (That's
why all my files were smilling at me. ;) 

In my adult years, I've become positively fierce in claiming my sexuality for myself. I persevere, despite past abuse and bad experiences, in seeking joy thru my body. 

I go thru days where I feel fat or ugly, but overall, I love my body.  It's mine.  I can appreciate it for all the marvelous things that it can do, not how closely it ressembles Kate Moss' anorexic shape. 

bleeding and shameless, 

Julie 

Bleed gets some unexpected fan mail

First let me say I am a guy and no I am not gay, maybe just a little Kinky or something :)

Excellent the way he utilizes foreshadowing here.  What does gay have to do with bleeding?  I know a lot of [gay, male] cross-dressers and none of them wants to bleed.

I find your page very interesting. I came across your page via www.mum.org. 

Ah, the good old Museum of Menstruation.  Started by a man -- maybe I *have* stumbled onto an as-yet undocumented fetish.

Which I found via Lycos or something. I usually go to the page and explore the links and see what is happening. 

What's new in the world of Menstruation!!!

In fact the whole thing turns me on. 

I was wondering when he'd get around to that.

When I read it I get quite hard and get very turned on. So when I read your 

Well, now...THAT is why I started Bleed.  My work is done here.  I can now retire from the web business, happy, fullfilled and lest we forget -- oh-so turned on.  I can see it now:  Erica has left the Bleedpage...

page it was very interesting. I try to find people on the net who are willing to talk to me about the whole thing but usually they get pretty 

to what "whole thing" is he referrring?

turned off. Judging from your page you don't seen to be this type? If you 

I shudder to think what "type" I seem to be.

are willing to talk to a guy about this 

about WHAT?

please reply to my email if not I can understand if you just through it away and forget it. I hope not because I am looking for someone to talk with about this. It is easier to 

Again, about WHAT?

talk with a person over the net than in person, because I get nervous.

So much so that he can't even SAY what it is he wants to talk about. Knitting perhaps?

Thanks Please reply

Jeff

A psychic told me once that my soul mate's name was Jeff.  She said something also about a large body of water...perhaps it's a murkier fluid?

Shall I write and tell him I'm bleeding RIGHT NOW!!!  ; )  I am, actually, ut I think I'd be tempted to say so, either way.  I've been wondering how I could make money on the web...it's so obvious!  S-E-X.  I just have to advertise Bleed as a fetish page and I'll be all set.  I could charge membership fees, like Jennicam  does.

See, my problem is that I GIVE it away.  Gotta make a buck, baby.

Bloodily,

Erica

P.S.  In all fairness, this is not the first fan mail I've received from a man.  I had a very nice, albeit not the reaction I expected based on what I'm saying, email from another man last week.  I asked for permission to use it, but he never replied.  Screw it, if you send it, I'm posting it.  I will have the kindness, however, to remove your last name and email address.  Maybe.

Monday, 
May 18, 1998

One day she got sick of exhibiting these talents only at the strip clubs she made a fortune at, and decided to really compete.  She entered a drag show - a real one, none of these pancake-makeup barely covering five o'clock shadow and chesthair as 
cleavage jobs.  No, I am talking about a show where the participants push 
their testicles back into their bodies (I couldn't make this up - it's called "tucking") [has she forgotten I live in SF?  --E] and tape their nipples together for versilimitude.

So Mimi wanted to see how she'd be received here.  Far from the usual fawning, she was politlely told her look was too cliche to be "real." She entered the competition anyway, got up on stage, and started to sing.  The audience, mostly gay men, was completely won over. 

Until ... she happily reached between her legs, took out her bloody tampon and threw it to the crowd! Then, she ran out of there before she was either killed or canonized.

I have no proof to my tale; it happened in Philadelphia around 1994.  I don't know if you want to use it and I won't be offended if you don't (hope I didn't offend you!) 

[Not at all, Mariweb, I laughed so hard, I nearly lost my tampon.-E.]