Sunday, May 27, 2001
like Kurt Coban: Everythn's my fault

Thnkng... I am less important than 20 year old soap operas (I already knew less so than present-day ones, of course), antiques, Paul McCartney and your mniature shoe collection. I'm not the one who should feel bad about that. Seeng... strawberry kisses Jennifer Saunders (AbFab) on Young Ones. Hearng... You don't want to know...it's the fnal freakout. Wantng... Not to have such memories n my head. Eatng... Islands' Toucan sandwich, BBQ and, of course, strawberry shortcake. Readng... Instructions for my Palm. Surfng... Smaller...detectng a theme? Dreamng... Of escapng. I did it before, when I didn't yet know it was possible, so this shouldn't be so hard. Exorcisng... No unwanted lyrics are n my head at all...loved the '80s weekend the radio stations have gong on. Eschewng... Senseless drama...some people have real problems and we're really quite lucky. Diggng... Your scene.

beng screamed on a daily basis and chewed out and put down over every little oversight, which only causes me to be more nervous and thus more scatterbraned, withdrawn and depressed. It isn't dong my mental health any better at 29 than it did at 9 or 14 or 21. At some pont, I have to take care of my best nterests. I'm really sorry she doesn't see that life is too short to treat your kids this way, but my beng here hasn't changed that at all. I wanted to help my brother, but I can't. Bottom lne is she didn't want me and has always blamed me for thngs not gong well for her. I can't do much about that. I'm not gong to wake up one day miraculously thn or blonde or self-sacrificng or n denial or pretty or femnne. I can only be who I am, for the better and the worse. I'm tired of beggng to be loved. I'll always be alone, but at least I can have a life of sorts on my own. Better to be alone and unloved, than surrounded by those who hate you. [Next entry: "Leavn' on a jet plane"] [Index] [archives] [bio] [Wish List]