Feelng...
Devastated, empty, like when my dad died.
Seeng...
A tny, perfect bird nest, lned with soft, fluffy dog hair.
Thnkng...
Life fnds a way.
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 lookng out at wildflowers somewhere n Albany, NY. Rob took me up to his mom's n Vermont because I was just not well n New York.
I'm fne, yet devastated, don't know how people are actng so normally. I felt like I was walkng around n a nightmare n Manhattan. Fang called me up and chewed me out for runnng, for beng ridiculous, for not beng defiant, for not beng strong, for feelng sorry for myself. I thought I was brave, but none of us know how we'll react to our worst fears beng realized, let alone premonitions you've dismissed for months.
Of my two closest friends n New York, James was already gone and Rob was leavng, so I went along. I'd come back from New Jersey Thursday night thnkng I would help out at work overnight to make up for the two days I was gone, n shock. Beng a secretary just doesn't seem very important right now.
I'm glad we came up here. I needed to see some beauty. There are birds, dogs and sunflowers everywhere. But even those big, strong, bright flowers seem to know -- they're hunched down from their full height.
It's good to see somethng beautiful, after so much uglness. I don't have any foundation to fall back on right now -- no faith, family or lover to hold my hand. That's why Fang said I was feelng sorry for myself. I admire the people who are dong good work, while I'm a basketcase. I don't know how they do it. My mother is afraid for my job, I'm afraid for my life.
Tomorrow it's back to Manhattan and contnung with my plan. The Troll came down from Ottawa to rebuild computer systems that were destroyed on Tuesday. If he can return to New York, I suppose I can, too. Thank you all agian, I know I've been all over the place, both mentally and geographically.
[Next entry: "Home, agan"]
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