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I'm The One That I Want by Margaret Cho. I was so disappointed that I couldn't make the book fair at UCLA last weekend with my friend Tracey, so she thought to buy the book for me. I missed the one-woman show when I lived in New York, but Tracey and I went to see the film last fall in Santa Monica. If you want to know how much my friends rock, Tracey even had it autographed:
Erica
Good luck in New York!
-Margaret Cho
. . .
I'm also still reading Simple Indulgence: Easy, Everyday Things to Do for Me by Janet Eastman. I'm such a dork, I keep reading the quotes and ideas, but not doing the journalling portion.
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"Someday we'll find it
the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers and me
alllll of us under it's spell."
-Kermit THE Frog
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Stuck in my head:
"Boogie-oogie-oogie get down."
Thank you, Disco Stu! (My favorite Simpsons sight gag-cum-character.)
I heard Britney Spears' "Bottom of My Broken Heart" while making a selection from the feminine hygeine aisle at Wal Mart and exclaimed, "Fucking Britney Spears...Gah!"
That's one of the videos I had to watch about a million times to select snippets for the web site and the enhanced CD single. Ever hearing it again is too much, too soon.
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The Simpsons, The Sopranos & Armistead Maupin's Further Tales of the City. I didn't even realize there were making another one, I just happened to see it listed. I'm going to have to finish the book series now, as I think I've only read through the fourth book and this mini-series is based on the third book.
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While you're visiting the Gallery of Regrettable Food, don't miss Meat!. This one in particular made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. "Sometimes meat likes to dress up and feel pretty."
Swanson Parade of Lost Identity -- women who, in probably their only 15 minutes of fame, were for the most part known only as Mrs. HisLastName.
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Co-Author of The Rules to divorce! So you can't manipulate a man into marrying and staying married to you? Perhaps you have to come into it as two individuals and show who you really are from the beginning? I guess this means that no amount of growing your hair long, pretending not to be smart or funny, and "training" a man will make for a happy marriage.
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Ever wonder where that dollar bill's been? Mine was in Chicago two months ago.
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Another Elvis dream (I'm doing the Memphis section of my color scrapbook now, but I haven't got to Graceland yet), this one cannibalistic.
What started out as an autopsy to discover THE TRUTH, turned into Elvis Stew. It was rich and beefy. Ewwwwwwwww!
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Why is it that the same personality quirks are taken as crazy and stalky by some, while loveably wacky by others? Is there some litmus test for this, so I stop wasting my time?
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now I'm blogging what I'm eating, whoa.
Still literate as of 9/29/2000 12:20:01 AM
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just what I needed...another dorkblog.
Jeepers, creepers, I last used my peepers on 9/29/2000 12:24:59 AM
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My trip photographs, they're better than expected. Now to get them all organized, it's only been a year!
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Friday, July 21, 2000
2:04 AM
 reminded of how  much I like basketball. I even played it in 5th or 6th grade. But, like most things physicalI found myself pretty inept. I'd just reached my full height around that time, so I felt especially gangly and uncoordinated. I also thought of this other girl who went to my school and played in the Carson city parks' league. Tatanisha had the style of a pro and it would be a damn shame if she didn't end up playing professionally. |
 Mom, the bro and I went to the LA Sparks v. NY Liberty game tonight. I haven't been following the WNBA at all, so it was really interesting for me to see so many women and girls in most of the roles -- players (well, duh), ball girls, staff, fans. I'm disappointed these pictures are so blurry. I should've brought my camera with 800 speed film, instead of the digital and mom's with 200 speed. Oh well. Of course, I also didn't get pictures of Tyra Banks or Lori Petty, who were in attendance. I felt sort of bad for Tyra because, once they showed her face on the scoreboard, she was surrounded. |  Apparently, the Lakers haven't completely left the building. Their retired jerseys still hang above the nosebleed seats and their name is still on the stairs as you walk in. | Back in the day, when the Forum was Fabulous --  Kareem, Kurt Rambis (Clark Kent/ Superman), Magic Johnson, Jamal Wilkes (whose freethrow style I copied) and Michael Cooper (now coach of the Sparks) formed the only team I ever considered a dream. |  It's strange to see the Forum Club open to the public. |
I had mixed emotions about the "no profanity"  announcement and upon seeing that many games are broadcast on Lifetime (you know, TV for us chicks). The players, however, were tough, fast, graceful and everything I ever loved about basketball. One thing that bothered me is that the game has two, 20 minute halves, instead of four, 15 minute quarters. What is that about? Will the broadcast channels not give them the extra 20+ minutes? |  I haven't attended a sporting event in ages and discovered a) that the Star-Spangled Banner still makes me tear up (yet I resent compulsory recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance and refused to recite it throughout high school) and b) they play commercials on the score board during half time and time outs. Is nothing sacred? Can we have a moment without advertising? Sick, sick, sick. |  I'm still impressed when a crowd leaps to its feat with enthusiasm. | | My brother never got to give the mascot "five." 
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These girls kept standing up in front of us. Of course, I  remember doing the same thing when I saw Duran Duran the first time, also in the Forum's floor risers in fact. |
All in all, it was a blast, but I'm becoming a nostalgic old sod.  |
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2:31 AM
Finally, the pictures of James! I'm gonna spread them out over a few entries. Here's James on the train in SF, on his way to work, taken while talking to me on the phone.
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3:04 PM
in the awkward position of begging around for Britney Spears tickets.
I'm quite convinced that The Goddess has a great sense of humor, blessing me with this incredibly smart, funny, adorable baby brother (I'm not a baby!, he hollers indignantly when I refer to him as such), who just happens to like, no love, Britney Spears.
Ya gotta laugh.
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3:27 PM
not happy when I see a directory listing instead of my journal.
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3:44 PM
such a dork...'twas my full directory that was the problem, not Blogger. I should know better, Blogger is perfection.
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3:59 PM
deleting all kinds of superfluous stuff from my server, crap!
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Thursday, July 20, 2000
12:04 AM
so forgetful. I received these pictures from james last week, got his permission to use them and yet never put them up. Turns out they were in bitmap format, so I have to convert them. I'm not even going to try running Fireworks along with AOL, Netscape and IE5. I thought the ones he sent from LA would work, they were labelled as JPEGs, but when you open them, it just goes to the URL on my email server where I downloaded them from. WTF? That's a new tangle. I'm way too tired to bother. But pictures there shall be.
By the way, how can tomorrow be Thursday again already?
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1:57 AM
feeling like less of a moron. I finally found a John Corbett site. Well, two, actually. What a difference a hyphen makes. I especially loved the high school photos. That he looked a bit on the dorky side back then gives all us ugly ducklings hope.
You know what's really sending me over the edge? That voice. Calm, intelligent, reassuring and dead sexy. I didn't realize how much I missed Northern Exposure until now. I don't have a long list of Living Celebrities I'd Like to Bang, (as Nikol put it), but he and Sela have that voice. Sela has the added attraction of that naughty "I've-got-a-secret" look in her eyes. Purrrrrrr...
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3:40 PM
really busy today, so I haven't had time to convert the pictures from James (it's this long process of converting in Fireworks, rebooting, then going online...gotta save my nickels for a new computer). They aren't spectactular and I'm afraid it'll just be a let down after all this build up, but I want to show you a picture of my main man James.
In lieu of the mystery pics, here's a postcard he sent me from Heather's Jezebel site. Click on the image to go directly to her postcards:
Holy shit! Heather's got T-shirts now!
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Wednesday, July 19, 2000
5:31 AM
pretty much done on John's site. I am not sure how he wanted the pictures done, so that may add an extra day to the process. He actually told me to go ahead and make it live after this last set of changes, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that without him seeing any version of the individual photo pages and the final version of the Bloggerized news page.
Salem and bed are calling me. I'm pooped!
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4:10 PM
Having nasty, sexy dreams about John Corbett. I blame it on his recent appearances on Sex and the City. I wouldn't throw him out of the bath tub! Now finding him and Sela Ward under the Christmas tree, there's a present.
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5:29 PM
talking to James as he emails me pictures he took in L.A., from San Francisco. Confused yet?
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Tuesday, July 18, 2000
11:03 PM
working on John's site. It's nearly finished and ready to go live. Yippee! It should be ready tomorrow. Until then, MUSH! *whip crack*
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Monday, July 17, 2000
2:21 AM
exhausted from another day of shopping. Tough life, eh? First we went to Mervyn's to get my brother new uniforms, pillows that won't stab us with errant feathers and also a toaster, because Mom thinks ours is broken. I'm not a big toast person, so I took her word for it. I'm a terrible person to shop with, you must know. I always end up with a lot more stuff than is on the list. This always annoys my mom, but it's generally stuff I forgot to put on the list that I need to make specific dishes or basics like milk, bread, and cheese that we always run out of. Of course, Mervyn's doesn't sell cheese, but that's beside the matter.
We also picked up one of those calming, desktop fountains which my mom had on her Target list, but my sharp eye caught for $10 less at Mervyn's, so there. My powers can be used for good and not just evil. I did, however, pick up an ice cream maker at Target. It's probably a bad move, as it's the kind that requires a ton of ice and makes a hell of a racket. It does taste fresher, though, which, along with creating my own flavors to taste was the main reason I've wanted one for years. A girl I went to junior high school with had one and it was really incredible. From now on I'll have to make it when no one else is at home.
It's a good thing I enjoy shopping, because my mom prefers sitting in the car and only comes in if it's necessary for her to pay. She complains that I take too long, but what can I do? I've always been slow, it's one of the ironies of my life. I'm a slow reader, but my comprehension is high. I'm a slow thinker, but when I get going -- watch out! I guess I get overwhelmed by all the stuff, music, ads, and people. Sometimes I don't see what I'm looking for when it's right in front of me. It drives me crazy, but I haven't found a way to change it yet, so I just try not to beat myself up about it (though it's hard for my mother to understand how I can at once be so smart and so slow).
I guess my mom's on an organization kick, because she bought a couple of big rubbermaid containers and a rolling drawer set for her craft stuff. She keeps these amazing albums for us, though I sometimes read all the sweet comments and wonder whose life it's supposed to be about. Creatively, however, they are well-done and beautiful. She gave me mine (a two-volume set) for my 25th birthday, quite a surprise. I teaser her though because my brother is barely 10 and already has 6 albums!
...
We loaded up my mom's car (an SUV, I'm sorry to say) like it's never been loaded before. The back (it's like an upright hatchback, when you think of it) and all the backseat, including some things on my brother's lap and I still had two bags in my lap. I guess I like processes like shopping (cooking, too). There's a begining, middle and end. I couldn't say the same about writing, because I have no idea how it works.
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5:00 AM
surprised to learn that Up With People is an actual, altruistic, young person's performance troupe. Here I thought it was just a joke on The Simpsons.
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3:38 PM
saddened and disgusted to read (some of) the "Where Do You Live?" posts on {the fray}. Someday, I hope we'll get around to understanding that regardless of race and social class (which are, by the way, two entirely different things), we have more in common than we have dividing us.
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11:48 PM
going to my room to read some more of that darn Harry Potter so I can eventually get to Book Four, which came today. Thanks to all the talk about it, especially from Dora, the curiosity is getting to me. It's only 11:45, so maybe I'll get to bed at a decent hour and get up tomorrow long before the bro gets home from school.
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I told John I'd finish up the site tomorrow, but I suppose he won't mind if it's later in the day, seeing how I gave him the site way back in September. I'm glad it's finally coming to fruition.
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Sunday, July 16, 2000
3:56 AM
busy helping my mother measure, price and choose carpet, bathroom tile, bathroom fixtures, window coverings, and light fixtures. I hope to do a lot of the work myself, but my mother is convinced that I can't again, "because of our size" we are incapable. When I first came back here, I did throw my back out, I think from sleeping on a bad bed. Since I filled up my waterbed, I've been fine. She seems still to assume that it's fat-related disability and that it's still going on. I'm trying to follow that line of thought, since I moved all the furniture in the den and my father's huge rolltop desk weeks ago.
As I've mentioned earlier, she never misses an opportunity to harp on the weight issue, large (pardon the pun) as it is for her. I encouraged her to watch Marilyn on TV the other day, but mom just said she (Marilyn) was basically delluding herself. What makes me so sad is how people apologize for being fat (or female or short, etc.) and think they deserve to be treated like crap. "Well," my mom reasons, "people will still think..." Fuck people. The ones who matter know I'm Erica Jackson, for crying out loud. Is this why I had to endure so many beatings? Because fat people (and their children) don't deserve to be safe and loved? It's so obviously wrong to me, but I'm having trouble bridging that gap. My mother always has something bad to say about herself and about me.
All day she complained about how much I ate. She decided for herself that I "didn't need" to have my whole order of zucchini, so she took it upon herself to divide it among herself and Kyle. Later, we went to Taco Bell (because she didn't feel like stopping at the store and waiting in the car while I do the shopping) and she gave me a dirty look when I ordered a third item. My 9 year old brother had as much as me and he's a kid. I've certainly seen my thin friends get 4 and 5 items at such places, so I don't think 3 small items is an excessive amount.
I really haven't missed being told "you don't need that." I think I'm the world's best judge of how hungry I am, and of when and what I want to eat. When my body wants spinach, I make a spinach salad. When my body wants brocoli, guess what I feed it? When my body needs red meat (usually when I'm bleeding), then that is what I feed it. My mom told me today she doesn't know what it means to be hungry, "Come on," she said, "can you honestly say you've ever been hungry?" I was incredulous. She wasn't talking about starvation, but an awareness of appetite. I asked if her stomach ever growled. "Yes, but that doesn't mean I'm hungry." Well, what have I been missing, because that's always my first clue. Then, if I'm busy working on something and procrastinate/forget to eat, I'll feel nauseous and dizzy.
A few years ago, I found out my roommate was bulemic. That explained why my Oreos would disappear in two days, instead of lasting for weeks. As she described this complex relationship she had with food ("I don't even taste it...I'm just shoving down my feelings," she said), I realized, finally, that I didn't have the problem about food that my mother, father, aunt and grandmother always nagged me about. I never thought I did, but since I was the only one of that opinion, it was hard to hold up my end of the argument.
Later, I found out that several of my friends had experienced eating disorders and I could not identify with their relationship with food, either. I didn't have the binges they did. I was flabberghasted as one now-former friend who had a big problem with my size, described how when she got her period (twice a month), she had to eat a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's and a large bag of chips with salsa. I realized then that all her sniping comments about my size were, more than anything, jealousy that I still considered myself bright, beautiful and worthwhile in a body that she constantly feared she'd end up in.
I just can't help but rue the waste of women's time, energy, intellect and power on such trivialities when should commit our talents to creative, spiritual and political endeavors. I can't name all the women I've met who worried about 5 or 10 pounds, or their haircut, or their clothes when their minds could be committed to solving real problems. With this state of affairs, too many of us fail to notice that we're paid 70 cents on the dollar for the same work as men, who don't bother worrying about the size of their thighs.
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