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I'm The One That I Want by Margaret Cho. I was so disappointed that I couldn't make the book fair at UCLA last weekend with my friend Tracey, so she thought to buy the book for me. I missed the one-woman show when I lived in New York, but Tracey and I went to see the film last fall in Santa Monica. If you want to know how much my friends rock, Tracey even had it autographed:
Erica
Good luck in New York!
-Margaret Cho
. . .
I'm also still reading Simple Indulgence: Easy, Everyday Things to Do for Me by Janet Eastman. I'm such a dork, I keep reading the quotes and ideas, but not doing the journalling portion.
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"Someday we'll find it
the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers and me
alllll of us under it's spell."
-Kermit THE Frog
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Stuck in my head:
"Boogie-oogie-oogie get down."
Thank you, Disco Stu! (My favorite Simpsons sight gag-cum-character.)
I heard Britney Spears' "Bottom of My Broken Heart" while making a selection from the feminine hygeine aisle at Wal Mart and exclaimed, "Fucking Britney Spears...Gah!"
That's one of the videos I had to watch about a million times to select snippets for the web site and the enhanced CD single. Ever hearing it again is too much, too soon.
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The Simpsons, The Sopranos & Armistead Maupin's Further Tales of the City. I didn't even realize there were making another one, I just happened to see it listed. I'm going to have to finish the book series now, as I think I've only read through the fourth book and this mini-series is based on the third book.
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While you're visiting the Gallery of Regrettable Food, don't miss Meat!. This one in particular made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. "Sometimes meat likes to dress up and feel pretty."
Swanson Parade of Lost Identity -- women who, in probably their only 15 minutes of fame, were for the most part known only as Mrs. HisLastName.
. . .
Co-Author of The Rules to divorce! So you can't manipulate a man into marrying and staying married to you? Perhaps you have to come into it as two individuals and show who you really are from the beginning? I guess this means that no amount of growing your hair long, pretending not to be smart or funny, and "training" a man will make for a happy marriage.
. . .
Ever wonder where that dollar bill's been? Mine was in Chicago two months ago.
. . .
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Another Elvis dream (I'm doing the Memphis section of my color scrapbook now, but I haven't got to Graceland yet), this one cannibalistic.
What started out as an autopsy to discover THE TRUTH, turned into Elvis Stew. It was rich and beefy. Ewwwwwwwww!
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Why is it that the same personality quirks are taken as crazy and stalky by some, while loveably wacky by others? Is there some litmus test for this, so I stop wasting my time?
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now I'm blogging what I'm eating, whoa.
Still literate as of 9/29/2000 12:20:01 AM
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just what I needed...another dorkblog.
Jeepers, creepers, I last used my peepers on 9/29/2000 12:24:59 AM
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My trip photographs, they're better than expected. Now to get them all organized, it's only been a year!
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Saturday, September 23, 2000
1:28 PM
 reading an email Pete sent me about the lack of discussion about corporations at the recent American Political Science Association's annual convention in Washington, D.C. Back when I was a political science major ('92-96), we spoke in terms of American hegemony (that is, the state of the U.S. dominating and exerting its power over almost all world governments).
Now it is more accurate to speak in terms of corporate hegemony. We've allowed corporations to infiltrate every square inch of our lives. For example, when I was a teenager, my favorite artists were Michael Jackson and Duran Duran. Both had to constantly confront criticism that they were not talented, and Duran was assumed by many to be prefabricated.
Currently, we are bombarded by untalented, prefabricated, marketing over musical ability recording "artists" who are taken completely seriously. I just can't comprehend that. Even when I was 11 or 12, these are the sort of cheesy acts I'd make fun of, so it's not a change in my perspective. Personally, I'm just boycotting music and the world of work until I figure out where the real stuff is hidden.
The worst of it is that the music industry is just the most innocuous tip of the iceberg. Where did I lose my vigilance along the way? When did I become a marketing-intoxicated shopping zombie?
[ link to this ]
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1:44 PM
ahead in my Photoshop class. Here is the assignment due next Friday:
...and the one due Friday, October 6:
I was just in a Photoshop kind of mood last night, so I went ahead. Also, our first project, a CD cover, is due October 6 too. I want to focus on that and the work in my other classes over the next two weeks.
[ link to this ]
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1:54 PM
less and I ain't in this mess. Ladies, you know who you are.
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2:48 PM
still dragging my feet about learning to drive. I think what I'll miss most about no longer using public transportation is the daydreaming, followed closely by reading and sleeping. Then there's the seamless drifting between the three. My cross-country trip is a perfect example. In addition to the quality lounging time in New York, Memphis and tons of cafe time in New Orleans, I got so many wonderful ideas just riding the bus and looking out the window at America.
[ link to this ]
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9:22 PM
really irritated with Microsoft's little passive-aggressive control issues. My copy of Internet Explorer stopped working for no particular reason a month or two ago. Hey, no skin off my nose, as it's just a bad rip off of Netscape, anyway (don't get me started on people who design their site for one browser only).
Today I tried to install Word, which I need for one of my classes and it won't install without IE5 working, While I'm all for the concept of the word processor and browser working in tandem, it shouldn't be a necessity. It was thus that I discovered my copy of IE5 is set up so that it cannot be uninstalled. Of course, in addition to actual web surfing, the functions of IE5 that aren't working are Properties, Options and Preferences -- so I can't change anything at all.
Really, they should change their slogan to the more threatening, "Microsoft: use our software, the way we want you to, or else."
...
I just want to do my homework, is that so much to ask?
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Friday, September 22, 2000
2:34 PM
not always a basket case, but sometimes it just slams me like crazy. This has been one of those weeks. I'm very touched by the mail I'm getting with regard to the last few entries:
The other day my mom said, "If you talked to your friends the way you talk to me, you wouldn't have any."
Response from a great friend with a sharp ear:
"Yeah, that quote was on Oprah a day or two ago. But she's turned it around, it was 'If we treated our friends the way we treat our kids, we wouldn't have any.'"
Therein lies all the difference.
from Cranky Angel:
"What you feel is normal. I don't know a survivor of any abuse from childhood who is sure they know how to love, or is sure they're sane all the time."
[ link to this ]
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3:05 PM
Learning all kinds of fun stuff in my Photoshop class. I knew a lot already, but when you just stumble your way through software, you miss bits and pieces here and there -- keystroke shortcuts, techniques, combinations of techniques, etc. I'm filling in the gaps each week, it's great. Here is today's in-class work.
The original is much larger, so the picture looks better. The assignment was just to arrange some of the photos and portholes on the page with a gradient background. I finished that and decided to start all over. I pasted the pictures (which were square) into the portholes, gave the faux travel agency a name and used the balloons as the background. I even applied the gradient. If you look closely, you can see the sky is lighter on the left hand side. I thought this looked more polished than just overlaying the photos on one another.
[ link to this ]
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8:07 PM
a big, big meanie. Whenever telemarketers call for my mom (or sometimes they ask for my dad right off) and she's not home, so they ask for "Mr. Jackson" (which, by the way, wasn't my dad's name), I tell them with freaky glee, "He's dead."
"Excuse me?"
"DEAD. Six feet under...bought the farm...broke on to the other side!"
Then they apologize to me. Hooray! I just wish I'd discovered this trick before it was actually true. I guess I could've told them I had an itch in a very personal place, but I never thought of it before and just suffered through.
[ link to this ]
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8:33 PM
adoring this weather. It hasn't been 110 since Tuesday or Wednesday. It's cloudy, but still relatively bright. I can breathe the air and it's not like cotton! I can walk to the bus stop at 8 am (or even back from it at 2 pm) and not have to sit down twice because I can't breathe and am covered in sweat and have drunk a full bottle of water already.
It feels like I'm in San Francisco, which I am, unfortunately not. (I find myself missing SF and NY so much of late). If I were, I'd be here.
[ link to this ]
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9:01 PM
a curious person. The current question on my mind is, "Where the fuck does The Real World find all these virgins? I haven't met that many virgins in all my life, not even when I was one.
[ link to this ]
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Thursday, September 21, 2000
1:23 PM
not sure I'll ever drop to my knees and praise a big Daddy god for all the beatings that plague me to this day with poor memory, headaches and dizzy spells. I don't think I'll ever throw a party for the psychological abuse, either. I can, however, with one day's perspective, say that, if it meant not being sensitive and not having the depth of love I do for books, writing and other creation -- I suppose would be beaten again. Of course, who wouldn't want all of the gain, with none of the pain.
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1:31 PM
bound by honesty to say, hey, it's not like my dad beat me up everyday, he just gave it his all when he did! I think perhaps I developed my sense of irony when my parents made me watch shows about "real" abused kids. Since my father didn't put his cigarettes out on me, they reasoned, I didn't count.
Sometimes I wonder which was worse -- the beatings or the disinformation campaign. After all, the beatings were what they were -- over quickly, few and far between -- but being told they never happened by two people who were my entire world (ah, isolation, the favorite abuser's trick) really fucked with my mind.
On the one hand, yes, it is hard for me to see love and spirit in many of the places others tell me they appear. On the other, I know what it is to be overjoyed at the simplest things that I might otherwise take for granted.
[ link to this ]
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1:38 PM
supposed to be keeping the secrets. That's what made me a writer, I suppose -- years and years of being coerced into silence. I suppose to survive and thrive is the best revenge and I'll be back on my long, wide feet soon enough.
[ link to this ]
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1:41 PM
a very big fan of naps in the afternoon and so...awaaaaaaay I go!
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1:50 PM
having bizarre nightmares involving *NSYNC, 3 year olds and crack-smoking Muni bus drivers. I know it's an absurd combination, but at the time, it's terribly life or death. I probably eserve it for being such a big meanie.
[ link to this ]
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10:28 PM
(or should be) a neo-Pagan. Word to Jade! I'm a little afraid of how high Scientology appears on this list:
Neo-Pagan (score=100)
New Age (score=98)
Mahayana Buddhist (score=87)
Unitarian Universalist (score=84)
Theravada Buddhist (score=77)
Hindu (score=68)
Scientology (score=68)
Liberal Quaker (score=66)
New Thought (score=65)
Christian Science (score=58)
Orthodox Quaker (score=55)
Sikhism (score=55)
Mainline to Liberal Protestant(score=52)
Humanist (score=46)
Jainism (score=46)
Reform Judaism (score=44)
Baháí (score=37)
Atheist/Agnostic(score=27)
Latter Day Saints(score=27)
Orthodox Judaism (score=26)
Seventh Day Adventist (score=25)
Mainline to Conservative Protestant(score=24)
Eastern Orthodox (score=18)
Islam (score=18)
Jehovahs Witness (score=18)
Roman Catholic (score=18)
My mom's actually Catholic, so it's funny that should come in dead last...you'd think a little of it would've rubbed off. Of course, I'm probably going to hell for taking the wafer, but not the wine at Dorothy's wedding. The priest just shoved it in my mouth before I was ready to say no. I'm not sure how it could represent the "body of Christ," since it was dry as a bone. I can't believe I passed on the wine.
I also thought Judaism would come in higher, since I think I was Jewish in a past life and lived on the Lower East Side around the turn of the century. I also thought Bahai would come in higher, since their commercials appeal to me so much. I even checked out their web site, but got distracted and ended up somewhere else entirely. Probably that damn Pamie. She's probably a lot closer to my religion than any of the above.
What are you?
[ link to this ]
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10:58 PM
more specifically, destined to be a Druidic Neo-Pagan.
# 1 Druid
# 2 Thelema
# 3 Egyptian
# 4 Greek
# 5 Asatru
# 6 Wiccan
# 7 Shaman
[ link to this ]
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Wednesday, September 20, 2000
12:10 AM
a terribly passionate person. With regard to that quality, I remember what John told me once -- that our gifts are a blessing and a curse. For as many who are engaged by my passion, 10 times more are frightened and/or disgusted.
A reader told me the other day to take heart, since passion is so often misunderstood, and never let being misunderstood stop me from my work. I need to hear that sort of thing once in a while, because it sometimes wears me to swim against the tide, especially since that's never my intention.
...so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
Which leads me to digress some more...There was this one English teacher whose term paper was infamous at our high school. It counted for something ridiculous like 40% of the grade and if you didn't do it or didn't earn a "C," you didn't pass the course. I took her Junior year and didn't dare risk it Senior year. Besides, I took Humanities instead of English anyway. That's why I've never gotten around to reading Moby Dick and a lot of the rest of the English-language canon, reading instead lots of Plato, as well as all of the New Testament.
Oops! I did it again, I digressed some more, got lost in the tale...The whole point of that was to say that my paper pissed people off because I didn't have to use gigantic font sizes to meet the 8 or 10 page minimum. My paper was 20 or 30 pages long. Further, I was one of 2 or 3 people in my class (and fewer than 10 in all classes) to earn an A. You could've knocked me over with a feather...I'd totally envisioned the giant F in that teacher's signature scrawl.
I suppose I should never have thought that, as I always had to read my papers aloud in class and I hated it. I hated it because I'm shy, because I dread public speaking (and yet I earned an A in that, too, the irony!) and because I hated the other kids hating me for it.
Someone started calling me E. Scott FitzJackson, though, and that was pretty cool, because I was a big-time Fitzgerald fan at the time, obviously. Of course, that was before I discovered the gritty realism of Dostoevsky and the dead sexy voice, deep penetrating eyes and cascading wavy hair of Orson Welles. I had to diversify.
[ link to this ]
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12:14 AM
all over the place, be forewarned as you wade through the muck.
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1:07 AM
unrealistic. I expect men to be incredible, yummy kissers and not to smell like wild (or even domesticated) animals, because it was thus that first time. Spring, flowers, young lurv...how cliche.
It's really a shame to waste all that on a 20 year old, as they've all been downhill from there and utterly untrainable, even as far as the kissing. Now mostly, if anything, it's coarse and stinky and "uh, I wanna fuck you," which really lacks the poetry of good innuendo. Of course, those smitten to utter stupidity by my enormous breasts of doom are the worst of the bunch. I like nothing more in a man that the ability to form simple, declarative sentences. Is that so much to ask?
There must be more to life...there must be more -- than this!
-We've Got a Fuzzbox and We're Gonna Use It, "Rules & Regulations"
[ link to this ]
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2:32 AM
happy to say today is the first anniversary of JohnEasdale.com's inauspicious launch. It started as a birthday card and present all in one to a dear friend. Now it's a full-fleged site. I look forward to developing it more each year.
[ link to this ]
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2:40 AM
falling asleep at the computer. There just aren't enough hours in the day to go to school, do my homework, watch The Boy, work on my personal projects and I have no idea where I'll fit in a job.
[ link to this ]
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9:31 AM
so forgetful, as I've mentioned a million times. I neglected to mention that it's John's birthday. Happy Birdday, Mr. Easdale!
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9:51 AM
intelligent, but I'm not very smart. I've fallen so far behind in Flash. I missed last Wednesday's class and Monday's. That's a week of class missed in the first four weeks. Stupit, stupit, stupit!
Worst of all, I think it was just allergies, not a cold, since the burning throat and stuffed nose cleared up after a few hours. I could've just popped a Benadryl and been fine. I can't control the fact that I'm swimming against the tide at home, but I can do my best to not let it affect me so much.
That no one there understands the concept of homework (I'm supposed to be spending 24 hours in the computer lab every week, I can do all but 6 at home), is beyond my control, but I've got to be more firm when they interrupt. Yet, how many times can I say "when I'm on this computer, I'm working," I wonder.
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10:03 AM
doing a bit of a hatchet job here. I don't mean to, but when I'm frustrated or angry, I write to work it out. My mother is a wonderful, kind, funny person. Any of her friends would tell you so. As she told me last night, "If you talked to your friends the way you talk to me, you wouldn't have any." Gee, wonder where I get that from.
Isn't it funny how so often the people we should respect and cherish most are the ones with whom we are least careful? I can't imagine borrowing money from my friends, any more than my mom would've let some man beat up on hers.
I worry about The Boy, he's incredible, but is hard to reach.
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6:09 PM
so tired of web pages that give you obnoxious warnings about not working in Netscape. First of all, some of us don't like I.E. and avoid it when we can. Some of us don't have any choice. Moreover, if your page is that drastically different in Netscape that it won't work at all, then you've bitten off more than you can chew.
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9:51 PM
having passing thoughts of suicide and that just pisses me off. I worked long and hard to be as healthy and functioning as I am now. That some of it has crumbled is terribly frustrating to me. I don't know how or when I lost my way.
I never wanted to be one of those people who whined about their parents over the age of 30. I was doing pretty well from 1995-99, when I was on my own. I felt in control of my life, like I had it mostly together, but a few mistakes here and there were OK. Now it seems all I have are the consequences of mistakes and I don't know where to begin fixing them.
I feel overwhelmed and hopeless, as I haven't in many years. It's been almost a year and a half since my father died and I still haven't figured out where to put it. Part of me regrets not killing him myself for fucking me up so badly I don't know if I'll ever comprehend, let alone achieve a regular, balanced life. Part of me wishes he'd at least admitted it, dares to wish for an apology. That last is completely out of luck, as, according to him, it was all my fault and if I weren't such a miserable bitch, he'd never have to teach me so many lessons. I've never claimed to be a good student.
I hate when people who have no clue whereof they speak tell me I'm dwelling on these things. I'd give about anything in this world not to have the memories I do and threefold that for them not to come back when I try to do a simple, innocuous thing like attend the wedding of a dear friend, see people kiss with genuine affection and love, go to school, have a minor conflict, sit in class, go to a movie...the list goes on and on.
I know, I know, I'm supposed to appreciate and learn from my past. But, what lesson is there in a 200 pound man beating the hell out of a 50 pound girl? in a father whose favorite thing is to beat his child until she wets herself and then make fun of her about it? in a man who gives his daughter a gun upon being told (mistakenly) that she was suicidal? in having a big family if everyone looked the other way?
...
This is something I'm afraid of, too. I've always feared losing my mind, but getting lost in a sea of personalities could go so very wrong. As it is, I'm afraid of going around the bend and never coming back. I hate that I have all of this in my head because someone else made a mistake, me, which he never let me forget.
[ link to this ]
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9:54 PM
astounded at Morgan's quote, "we hunger for our justice." Indeed.
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10:02 PM
not without my sense of humor, even at my most maudlin. I'm even aware things will get better, as they always do. In some ways, having so many good years recently have made me weak. I've forgotten how to struggle through the really ugly stuff and transform it into something constructive, meaningful and maybe, just maybe, something beautiful.
I wasn't given only all of that pain, I was given incredible gifts as well. Likewise, my father was as generous and funny as he was violent and psychotic. Life is so complex sometimes it just blows my mind.
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10:04 PM
certain I liked Creed the first time I heard them. You know, when they were called Pearl Jam.
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10:10 PM
so sick of seeing women's stomachs and men's asses and bellies. Everybody! Please, put some damn clothes on. Ya'll are making me agree with Wendy Shallit and that sucks.
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10:43 PM
Joey Fatone's soul mate! I must've got some Joey juice off of his glitter suit. According to eCrush, "Joey flirts more than a drunk retiree on a Princess cruise." So, how did I get so lucky? I'm sure it was my answer to this question:
15. You're driving late at night, and up ahead you notice... oh no! The *NSYNC [hey, they spelled it right!] tour bus has run off the side of the road and into a ditch! You only have enough juice in your cell phone for one more call!! Who do you ring up?
A local towing service
The non-emergency police line
911
N Sync's manager
The America's Funniest Home Video hotline
I'm just relieved my *NSYNC soulmate wasn't Justin. Ugh! In order, they are:
1. Joey Fatone
2. JC Chasez
3. Justin Timberlake
4. Chris Kirkpatrick
5. Lance Bass
[ link to this ]
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10:47 PM
not sure how I get on these mailing lists:
Subj: ANIMALS FREE PORN
Date: 9/20/00 10:25:41 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: dsjfds3432@msn.com
To: tenderlonr@aol.com
hot girls fucking animalsclick here
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Tuesday, September 19, 2000
8:36 PM
not the cause of everything that ever went wrong on Planet Earth and am really sick of people who refuse to take responsibility for the mess they made of their own lives and turning everything I say into an argument. I've got my own shit to do.
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9:06 PM
going to have to stop reading Squishy, so I can have my life back. Ditto Three Way Action.
I've got homework to do, yo! ("Yo!" being, of course, a sign of Pamie having eaten my brain.)
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10:39 PM
either a muse or a not at all a supportive girlfriend.
Not one, but two of my ex-boyfriends have their own domains now. Coincidentally, both are for projects that germinated while we were dating (as I so euphemistically refer to my, uh, encounters). At the time, I had little faith either would make good on their pie-in-the-sky dreams, since they were both pretty flaky.
I actually thought one was plenty smart enough, if he just applied himself. Unfortunately, among our myriad problems, though I loved him dearly, was that he always compared himself to me and decided he was stupid and messed up by comparison. Stop laughing, I know the latter is too rich. On the contrary, I thought he was by far the smartest and about the least mental guy I ever "dated." He's also the only one I genuinely cared about and whose friendship I miss to this day, but he knows that...don'tcha? You look just the same!
Maybe they grew up (neither one was realistic enough for me at the time). Guess I ought to get around to that myself one of these days. I honestly don't know what happened to the years 26-28. I know they were spent in New York, but the last I knew, I was just turning 26. Where's my time going? If I'm going to live fast and die young, I'd better get crackin'!
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11:18 PM
not going to Fray Day 4 this Friday, unfortunately. If you can get to San Francisco, you oughta stop by. If only it was on Saturday!
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11:21 PM
supposed to be working. Shame, shame, shame on me!
...
One of the exes mentioned below tried to tell me that I epitomized my generation. The irony is multi-layered there -- not only have I always been a misfit, but I always thought he was the one with his finger on the pulse. All I ever hear about is Marcia! MarciaMarciaMarcia!
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Monday, September 18, 2000
12:21 AM
completely exhausted from spending most of Saturday in the sun. We took photos in a park for about an hour and then I set half of the tables before the reception because the caterers didn't like the way Dorothy's friend had rolled the silverware in the napkins.
I also spent a lot of time chasing Dorothy's many nieces and nephews. It felt as if we adults were outnumbered most of the time.
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12:21 AM
not inclined to believe Tony Danza as an attorney.
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1:20 AM
remiss in posting the pictures from Dorothy's bachelorette party.
I spent the day with Dorothy's sisters, mostly with Donna. We shopped, ate Puffy Tacos and played with babies for most of the day.
We met up with Dorothy and friends at C&O Trattoria in Marina Del Rey on Wednesday. It was foggy and cold and reminded me of home (San Francisco, where I apparently left my heart, too). The decor was quirky, the patio delightful, the sing-a-long fun, the food delicious and the "half" portions gigantic.
Dorothy & her best friend Jenn, the Maid of Honor.
Dorothy's sisters Victoria, Bonnie and Donna. Victoria had her baby on Friday and made it to the wedding.
I hope Dorothy and Bob enjoy the assortment of flavored massage oils.
I bookmarked the feather page of The Joy of Sex with a feather, of course.
Dorothy opens the present from her sisters: sensual massage oils and two five-point massagers that we all sampled at the Body Shop earlier in the afternoon.
In the bathroom at C&O.
The footprints run between the main restaurant and the patios.
With Shannon at Dorothy's friend Stacey's apartment, where we spent the night. Elisa and Stacey are in the shadows.
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1:56 AM
so proud of Dorothy and Bob. They've been together for almost a decade, and have grown so much. The time was finally right. Everything from Dorothy's dress, to the decor was elegant and lovely, yet very true to Dorothy and Bob. Dorothy did an incredible job of planning everything.
Dorothy and Bob after the second ceremony. I took better pictures of them, but put those into an instant album with Polaroids I took of all the guests.
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2:04 AM
no fan of marriage for marriage's sake. I'm so happy to see two people who genuinely love one another. Also, because it's all about me, it's good to see families, couples and love. I'm not from there, but I want to understand.
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2:16 AM
sorry I wasn't happier for you. Now I'm terribly curious what it means to you, how you feel, why and how you knew. It's all a big mystery for me. I know we weren't right at all, but some of me that loved you wasn't insane. I wish you the best, I really do. I can't help but wonder, however, why the person who hurt me so reaps love and I naught but users and losers.
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2:27 AM
afraid sometimes that I'm just not capable of love. With one youthful, crazy-blind and apparently misguided exception, I've never loved anyone. I've felt lust, friendship, superiority and even contempt -- but nothing remotely resembling love. I suppose that means I should not complain about no one loving me back. Ha! Since when has "should not" ever deterred me?
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2:52 AM
sick to death of victim-bashing. Would that I had their arrogance that comes only with the luxury of ignorance. Surely, had you ever been beaten until you wet yourself on a regular basis for a decade and a half, you would have no more patience than I for those who try to dismiss your experience. That I lack patience sometimes and have nightmares is hardly a surprise. That I don't mutilate small animals is, however. For such small victories, I am thankful.
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2:54 AM
not to be confused with I AM.
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3:05 AM
aware of the connection between these last few posts, one thing making the other impossible. Still, I cannot help but resent being unable to experience love through no fault of my own. I've done so much to grow more healthy, but so often it's like shoveling snow, one flake at a time. I know the time must be invested, but at 29, I just want my life and brain and emotions to finally be my own.
[ link to this ]
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3:22 AM
so exasperated with my inability to simply enjoy good things without becoming suddenly, acutely aware of all the bad.
[ link to this ]
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3:30 AM
up way past my bedtime yet again.
[ link to this ]
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2:10 PM
so confusing...This journal/blog isn't called I am...a star! It's just I am... -- the phrase after the elipses is just wherever I'm at that week/month/design. Previous ones have included "...the Birthday Girl" and "...a film buff" and even "...a Californian."
[ link to this ]
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3:23 PM
not clinically depressed, apparently. Click on that link and find out if you are...or aren't, too.
[ link to this ]
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3:37 PM
afraid, more than anything, that there's more to know. It doesn't take a genius to put together psychotic rage and abuse with pornographic addiction and extrapolate the possibilities.
[ link to this ]
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