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I'm The One That I Want by Margaret Cho. I was so disappointed that I couldn't make the book fair at UCLA last weekend with my friend Tracey, so she thought to buy the book for me. I missed the one-woman show when I lived in New York, but Tracey and I went to see the film last fall in Santa Monica. If you want to know how much my friends rock, Tracey even had it autographed:
Erica
Good luck in New York!
-Margaret Cho
. . .
I'm also still reading Simple Indulgence: Easy, Everyday Things to Do for Me by Janet Eastman. I'm such a dork, I keep reading the quotes and ideas, but not doing the journalling portion.
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"Someday we'll find it
the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers and me
alllll of us under it's spell."
-Kermit THE Frog
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Stuck in my head:
"Boogie-oogie-oogie get down."
Thank you, Disco Stu! (My favorite Simpsons sight gag-cum-character.)
I heard Britney Spears' "Bottom of My Broken Heart" while making a selection from the feminine hygeine aisle at Wal Mart and exclaimed, "Fucking Britney Spears...Gah!"
That's one of the videos I had to watch about a million times to select snippets for the web site and the enhanced CD single. Ever hearing it again is too much, too soon.
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The Simpsons, The Sopranos & Armistead Maupin's Further Tales of the City. I didn't even realize there were making another one, I just happened to see it listed. I'm going to have to finish the book series now, as I think I've only read through the fourth book and this mini-series is based on the third book.
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While you're visiting the Gallery of Regrettable Food, don't miss Meat!. This one in particular made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. "Sometimes meat likes to dress up and feel pretty."
Swanson Parade of Lost Identity -- women who, in probably their only 15 minutes of fame, were for the most part known only as Mrs. HisLastName.
. . .
Co-Author of The Rules to divorce! So you can't manipulate a man into marrying and staying married to you? Perhaps you have to come into it as two individuals and show who you really are from the beginning? I guess this means that no amount of growing your hair long, pretending not to be smart or funny, and "training" a man will make for a happy marriage.
. . .
Ever wonder where that dollar bill's been? Mine was in Chicago two months ago.
. . .
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Another Elvis dream (I'm doing the Memphis section of my color scrapbook now, but I haven't got to Graceland yet), this one cannibalistic.
What started out as an autopsy to discover THE TRUTH, turned into Elvis Stew. It was rich and beefy. Ewwwwwwwww!
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Why is it that the same personality quirks are taken as crazy and stalky by some, while loveably wacky by others? Is there some litmus test for this, so I stop wasting my time?
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now I'm blogging what I'm eating, whoa.
Still literate as of 9/29/2000 12:20:01 AM
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just what I needed...another dorkblog.
Jeepers, creepers, I last used my peepers on 9/29/2000 12:24:59 AM
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My trip photographs, they're better than expected. Now to get them all organized, it's only been a year!
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Saturday, November 11, 2000
7:03 PM
 sitting in Jennifer's kitchen, showing her the magic that is Blogger.
We went into La-la Land for the first meeting of the SoCal Cool girls/Squishy fans. We met at Tommy Tang's on Melrose and gabbed and gabbed about topics virtual and not. There was some carry-over from topics on the Squishy boards, which just reminded me that these are real people we're talking to everyday.
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Friday, November 10, 2000
11:20 AM
going out for some fresh air. There may only be a few more months of breathing easy left.
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11:29 AM
convinced Anastasia said it best here, and here, and here too.
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8:51 PM
talking to James on the phone right now. How I've missed him (and New York).
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Thursday, November 09, 2000
7:43 PM
utterly humbled by the design, writing and overall brilliance of Huny...and she doesn't even want to be a web designer.
I have so much yet to learn, I feel like I'll never be ready sometimes. I've been writing for 20-odd years and I still don't know the first thing about writing a book, so how long will it take me to get where I want to be in terms of design/code? Of course, part of my problem is "trying to keep up with the Joneses." When I see something really cool, gorgeous or ingenious, I want to know how to do it.
It's not even a jealousy thing, I just like finding out how things work.
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7:49 PM
not the only one who noticed that Dan Rather was a bit punchy the other night. This link is directly to the Real Audio file of some of his more surreal remarks, in case they remove the link "Dan Rather Said What?" link from the main page.
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7:51 PM
writing no more about the election, for now anyway, because we've all been bombarded with it, by me and everywhere else you turn. Besides, have I forgotten: It's all about me, baby!
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Wednesday, November 08, 2000
1:17 AM
an AmErican. Why, they were even kind enough to put my name on all the money.
They say here that anyone can be president. I'm sorry to say I don't think that's the reality yet.
Sometimes I see how far we've come, but at others I see a race between two children of privilege and wonder where my representative is and that of my friends, family and acquaintances. Not even my enemies are properly represented.
To quote my old writing group friend Phyllis (where are you?!) when she went to the Women's conference in Beijing, "I represent myself."
I think, however, that I've met so many people so far, in my travels and odd jobs that I can honestly say I have the beginnings of an understanding of what this huge, heterogenous country is and hopes to be. Yet somehow, 50% of us, myself included, failed to vote for one reason or another. Personally, I thought it was like choosing between pink and fuschia.
While I much prefer Democrats, it's only in concession to electoral reality. I'd like to see more third parties, both in their variety and in the numbers of voters. The greens are trying so hard, but that is only one interest group. I'd like to see the Communist party with more voters. I'd like to see parties we haven't heard or even thought of.
If we want all the lofty rhetoric and patriotic songs and the Constitution itself to be true, there must be some way to make the political system more responsive and thus the public more involved in it. We have so much technology at our disposal at this point, but the lingering political ennui hangs in the air. Maybe it's because we have it so well materially and yes, individuals can defy the odds and be successful on whatever terms they value.
I just sense that so many are left behind, options unexplored. I wonder what the long term effect, what the loss to the whole country is when millions of people are hungry, homeless, uneducated, illiterate and otherwise disenfranchised. What might their contributions be, given the resources to develop their potential?
There are so many of us, all with unique gifts and I just cannot help but wonder and hope for a scenario in which we're all welcome at the party.
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8:16 AM
curious...does this mean the country wants both Bush *shudder* and Gore? Or neither?
The more I think about it, I'm really irritated at people (and TV was largely guilty of this) who compared George W. Bush and Al Gore and concluded that they were too similar, particularly that they were both children of privilege, all but destined to reach this point.
While I agree that they are both children of privilege, one of them actually used that privilege to do something. One of them has 25 years of political experience, rather than a cynical tenure as a mere figurehead of an electoral vote-rich state. One has the intelligence and maturity to competantly represent the United States on the world stage.
The other seems merely to be avenging his father's humiliating defeat and clearly has no real plan for the country's future (other than to put the final nail in the coffin of abortion rights and tip the Supreme Court).
The other's only claim to fame just four years ago was being an ex-President's son and namesake. Even now, the only thing I can see that George W. Bush has accomplished was being the executin'est governor in all the land.
Now, of course, that's eclipsed by the mind-boggling feat of getting any sane adult with a two digit or higher IQ to vote for him.
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8:18 AM
self-correcting. Jean Carnahan's husband was elected to the Senate, he had been governor. State law says the governor can appoint her to his seat. I still think it's absurd, but I stand corrected.
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8:32 AM
struck by the incestuousness of our political system. At one point in the coverage a pundit explained that Dick Cheney would be in the position of deciding a potential tie in the electoral college votes.
Hmmmm...no conflict of interest there or anything, what with him up for the Vice Presidency and all. No, I can't see anything wrong with that.
Further, as President of the Senate, Al Gore will read the official winner. I'm less bothered by this in practice, as he has no power over the outcome. Still, it is a bizarre and awkward state of affairs.
By far the most disturbing thing I've heard thus far are the reports from Florida that state troopers pulled over many black drivers who, in many cases, were headed to the polls. Let me just recap:
1. This is the year 2000 and DWB, Driving While Black, is neither a crime, nor probably cause.
2. Black people tend to be Democrats.
3. Democrats tend to vote for Democrats.
4. Al Gore is the Democratic candidate.
5. George W. Bush was his opponent.
6. Jeb Bush is his brother
7. Jeb Bush is Governor of the state of Florida.
8. Florida appears to be the state whose electoral votes will decide who will be the next President.
I cannot be the only one who sees something fishy there, particularly given that early projections had Gore winning Florida.
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8:52 AM
clearly biased, but kudos to the voters of the state of Alabama for finally removing the nation's last standing anti-miscegenation law. While the prohibition on mixed-race marriages wasn't enforced, it is not difficult to imagine a scenario in which it might be selectively enforced. So long as it remained on the books, it was a violation of the equal protection clause just waiting to happen.
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8:53 AM
not saying I support either candidate. In the "lesser of two evils" call, I'd acquiesce for Gore for the simple fact that Democrats tend not to restrict individual rights. As Republicans are more concerned with serving big business, it's more clear they don't care about little old me.
Of course, the big problem is, the amount of money required to successfully (or even unsuccessfully) run in such a high-level race means both parties are so beholden to corporate interests, they might as well be one and the same.
This election begs the question of reform. If Al Gore wins the popular vote, but loses the electoral vote, it only reinforces the view of voters that their vote doesn't count. Even if Bush wins both, the closeness is a big question. If congress needs a high majority to pass a bill, why oh why can the presidency be decided by 1/30th of 1% of votes in 1 out of 50 states?
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9:22 AM
not interested in solely bashing Republicans. I am also thoroughly disgusted at the obvious political ploy that is Hillary Rodham (Mrs. Clinton, my eye -- be the feminist you are and I'd respect you) running for Senate from New York.
She obviously picked the state not because she had any ties there but because a) it's a high-profile state, b) it contains the country's #1 media market, c) all major media outlets have their headquarters there and/or in Washington, D.C., d) it is rich in electoral votes.
When I worked for the Clinton-Gore campaign in 1992 and was a true believer indeed, we talked frequently about Gore in 2000 and Hillary in 2004 or 2008. My excuse is that I was 21 and it was the first Presidential election in which I was eligible to vote. I was only 17 in 1988, much to my chagrin when George Bush, Sr. won against archetypal black rapist Willie Horton, I mean, Michael Dukakis.
I guess I wised up to the reality of politics when I saw the most progressive feminist campaign aide on television a few years later, on TV in the background at conservative L.A. mayor Richard Riordan's campaign headquarters. Whoever said, "Politics makes strange bedfellows" would have seen that coming.
Talking about a Clinton-Gore Dynasty is one thing, genuinely believing in it and working toward it became another. Frankly, I think the wrong Clinton was on the ballot in 1992. While I respected and even admired Bill Clinton at the time, it was clear to me that, Rhodes scholar or no, Hillary Rodham was the more intelligent and talented of the two.
That a woman with her credentials and intelligence had to ride into politics on her husband's coattails, or thought she did, belies our country's happy posturing about equality. We aren't there yet, but I'm afraid we're taking all the wrong roads to get to the point at which a woman or minority can successfully run for the Presidency.
Let's clear that up, shall we, by 2008, when I become eligible to run for the presidency. *ahem*
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11:38 AM
going for a walk, this is all too insane.
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5:24 PM
sure I was just delirious from the lack of sleep, but did anyone else notice a crying, praying Elvis in Nashville after the whole Florida thing was announced? Curiouser and curiouser...
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Tuesday, November 07, 2000
12:14 PM
worn the fuck out. I was up until 2 a.m. doing 2 out of 3 of my Excel labs and one of my 2 Pagemaker labs. I should have concentrated on the latter, as they are worth more and more heavily weighted. Moreover, I probably won't get credit for the two labs that were ready on time because I was late to class because our computers in the first class were possessed.
Fine, dock me for the assignment I didn't turn in today, but the others were ready on time, so I'd like my full points, please.
It's just been a weird day already. I haven't slept the past two nights, I woke up to the screaming fit again at 5 a.m., then tried to get some rest until 7, which just seems to make my mother think I'm lazy and unhelpful. I'm falling asleep all the time, even though I made a point of going to bed by 11 for the past week (until the migraine Sunday night and the work last night).
I'm just tired...of my commute. Of my environment. Of my computer not working. Of my printer not working. Of my Zip drive not working. I've had more bad luck with computers this semester than in the past 20 years I've used them. I'm starting to feel like a relic, like I've somehow fallen behind the times, but maybe it is just a run of bad luck.
I may just have to break down and buy a new printer, since it doesn't look like I'll be able to afford an apartment any time soon. I had wanted to wait until I could afford a good, photo-quality printer, but the holidays are coming up fast anyway and I wanted the good printer by then. You see, I'm a cheap bastard and everyone is getting photos from me this year, either of my trip or of something I saw that made me think of them.
Anyway, it seems silly to buy a cheap printer now just for schoolwork and then a good printer in a month to do my photos. What's really bothering me is the Zip not working. I guess I can keep burning CDs every week to turn my assignments in on, but that means I'll either have to burn between 2-4 CDs each week, or have all my assignments done by Monday and burn one CD a week. Either way, it just seems silly, plus I can't edit the files on the CD from school if I catch a mistake or need to revise the file for some reason.
It just seems to me that computers have become so ubiquitous, but the quality has gone downhill. Then again, I'm used to Macs, which actually accomplish true Plug and Play compatibility, as opposed to the alleged P&P of Windows-based machines.
IBM-compatibles are OK for doing very basic things, but all the software and peripherals I use are just choking this poor thing. Though, curiously, I didn't have this much trouble with the Compaq I bought in New York a year ago, which had the same processor speed as I'm at now...it had entirely different issues.
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12:19 PM
-- despite all the previous insanity -- the queen of Photoshop. I had 99% going into the final project. I just got back the grade sheet for that and I received 105% on it. Don't ask me how, I don't look gift horses in the mouth and all that.
The professor said it was very well-thought out (funny, since I redesigned it the night before after working on the original design for over a week and just not being happy with it), very professional-looking and that I have talent. Woo hoo!
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4:10 PM
really worried about this election. I thought I was registered to vote once I applied for a Driver's License, but apparently not, as I never received any of my voter information packets. It didn't dawn on me until it was too late. I'm an idiot like that.
I simply cannot believe that the demon spawn of George Bush could ever rise to such a level. I see no reason to take him seriously whatsoever, and, in fact, if the resemblance to his father weren't so creepy, I'd suspect he had a little Quayle in him.
What disturbs me most is that someone who knows nothing about regular people, nor who cares, could be in a position to appoint several Supreme Court justices. That's what it generally comes down to for me in a presidential election: I want the court balanced or leaning toward civil liberties and I want neither a maniac nor a moron with his finger on the button. And it's always his finger, but that's a whole other discussion.
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5:09 PM
confused as to why Jean Carnahan would be able to accept the governor's seat should her late husband win the election from beyond the grave. I thought the same thing when Mary Bono ran after Sonny's death, but at least it was her name on the ballot.
What part of your husband running for office means you get his seat? I'm all for more women getting elected to office, but I find this whole inheriting from your dead husband a weird, sexist way to go about it.
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8:16 PM
a resident of "The Big Burrito," according to Dan Rather. WTF?
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8:36 PM
going to become a Canadian, I think, it changes minute-by-minute. Holy shit...Dan Rather's going to have a coniption and so am I.
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Monday, November 06, 2000
8:38 AM
sitting here getting over a splitting headache that kept me up most of the night. What little sleep I did get involved very strange and alarming dreams.
I also woke up many times convinced that I had a tumor or that a probe implanted by aliens had been activated. I could actually see a pulsating, green light coming from my brain. Who needs drugs to hallucinate? It turned into that crack of dawn, looking at my life in the unkindest light and desperate bargaining for more time.
The overriding feeling/worry/fear/disgust is that, at 29, I haven't done much of what I intended to do with my life. I did make it to New York, but that was largely a failure. I know it is a common fantasy, but I genuinely thought I was one of those people who would make an impact there. I thought it was my destiny or somesuch nonsense. Not a wee little head on my shoulders, mind you.
When I saw my old high school friend J a few weeks ago he said I was far too young to feel like a failure (I don't think "failure" was my exact word, I'm not that damn depressing to hang out with, not most of the time, anyway). Yes, that's true, but I thought by now I would have had some very modest accomplishments, namely, a college degree, an apartment and maybe even a relationship, though that's quite a bit of a stretch as I was just not built for it.
In the loftier goals department, I thought I would have written a book by now. It wouldn't have to be a best-seller, but damn it, I'd know how to go about the thing and actually finish.
But there's my problem. I have lots of great goals, ideas, lift-offs and incredible luck. I just don't know what to do from there. It's not just that I don't finish things, but that I so often don't have the foggiest idea how to do them in the first place.
I've taken fiction classes, they just left me all the more confused. As far as my degree, I finished all but two incomplete courses (I only needed to write two measly papers!) in college, but had no idea what to do post-college, so though I walked at graduation, I decided to take more classes to do something else, which I later dropped.
I know a lot of stuff, but I don't know what to do with it. It's like I can cook the meal, but I have no idea how to serve it.
I guess, in the final analysis, I can't narrow what I want most into just one thing. I always wanted it all, so I'm shocked to end up with nothing. I wish I had a family that accepted me, though now I realize my situation is all-too common. I've tried to build a family of friends and some have been wonderful, but it's just not the same as having your own family.
I wish I had something to say, to share with the world, that made a difference. I wish I had enough control over my writing (though I don't aspire to be a control freak about it), so that I knew what I was doing at all. I wish I knew what I was supposed to write, though I always imagined it would be books. I'm just so disappointed that I haven't fulfilled any of my dreams. Does that mean they were just silly whims? Because to me, they were so real and important and definate.
entry inspired by the If... collaboration's November 2000 question:
If you knew that the world
would end tomorrow,
what would you do today?
What memory would you want
to hold onto for all eternity?
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1:04 PM
keeping my fingers crossed. That early morning pity party turned into a call for action.
I was in this mindset that I've completely fucked up my life. Then I got a little perspective and realized some things.
I realized I'd be a lot worse off and unfairly screwing up someone else's life if I'd had a child or two or three already, when I'm not settled myself. I applaude anyone who has made that difficult situation work and been a good parent to boot, but I don't think it would've been a good thing for me, or for my hypothetical offspring. I thanked my lucky stars for that.
I realized that though being unemployed because you don't want to be in the same shitty job you just escaped is entirely different from being unemployable. So I sent out some query letters.
I realized a college degree isn't everything -- there are plenty of people who are doing what they love without it and plenty of people who have them and who got stuck in the same ruts I did. So I looked into finishing my degree. The best case scenario would be if the University I attended in the mid-90s accepts my petition (which I called today to request) to graduate under the requirements effective when I attended. Lucky for me, I had filed a grad check, which seems to bolster this petition. We'll see. If that does indeed go through, the major department will probably also let me graduate under their old requirements, so I'd either have to write two papers and get my grades changed or take those two classes again, possibly in the spring.
If that happened, I would believe that I am indeed the luckiest woman on earth. Heck, stranger things have happened, like the admissions office still having my records, when they're normally taken out of the system after three years. I stopped attending there in late 1995 and officially left in 1996, so I should not have an active file on their system at all. It's probably because I filed a grad check. Indeed, I even walked across the stage and everything. I was just supposed to finish 2 papers by August to receive my degree. In the meantime, my academic advisor thought it was clever to tell me that maybe I should just get pregnant and go on welfare. I guess I took that remark to heart when I couldn't find any better job with my degree than without it.
If the best case scenario doesn't work out, I would have to meet all of the university's and my department's new requirements. They can't tell me what I've fulfilled so far, because they have already destroyed all my transcripts from community college, which fulfilled the general education requirements. That's about half of my college career that they can't evaluate at all. It looks to me like I'd have to take anywhere from 3-10 courses to fulfill the newer requirements above and beyond what I've already taken. It depends on how they credit my lower division (community college) work.
Finally, my department could either let me take the two courses I lacked six years ago or hold me to the new requirements. That would mean taking statistics again, since I took it through the Sociology department (which is no longer listed as an option), and about 4-6 Poli Sci classes, depending on whether they count the ones I've taken in community college. In this worse case scenerio, it would take me about three full-time semesters (at $900 each) to finish my degree. Obviously, the two classes (at $600 total) and finishing by next June is preferable.
I should have started this process sooner, for that I could kick myself. I just have to get to a point where I need to do something before I actually will. It's stupid, it's frustrating and maybe someday I'll learn, but that's how I am. I can only jump one hurdle at a time and that was today's.
. . .
I also put in a call to get my student loan out of default. As I was broke and constantly moving around, I really lost track of that. Initially, I checked in to say that "yes, I'm still too broke" or "I'm back in school" to get it deferred. At some point, I stopped, because being organized, apparently, is just too much like the right thing for me to do.
I just got to thinking of what goals I set for myself to accomplish by 25 and 30 and the bare basics were:
1. Live in New York (semi-accomplished, as inherent in this was "thriving")
2. finish my degree (pretty much done, except for the actual piece of paper)
3. start my own business (very amorphous in theory, but now I have ideas of what I'd like to do)
4. Go to Europe (since I elected to go across the USA instead, I'll give myself a 3 year extension on that one)
. . .
I didn't realize it at the time, but I did let a lot of outside factors really depress me that summer after I didn't quite graduate from college.
-working my first full-time job -- in the mail room at Chevron, ugh
-my UNrelationship
-credit card debt
-massive student loan debt
-my parents' complete lack of support
This last still bothers me. While my father sometimes gave me $50 here or $100 there and bought my books my first semester of college, I had no real financial help from them for the other 9 semesters I went to school in Southern California (especially not when weight against the hundreds of hours of free babysitting I provided).
Further, they constantly nagged me to quit school and get a job until I did. I've never made it back as a result because one year of working completely disqualified me for financial aid, even though I earned less money working for 12 months than I collected the previous year when I received financial aid for 9 months of the year.
I never should have listened to them and if I could go back and change anything, I would have been tougher and just not worried about money so much. After all, people who didn't help me get into or pay for college (my dad refused to give me information for college admissions an financial aid forms) and who discouraged me every step of the way (even beating me up during final exams) should have no say whatsoever about my college education.
I can't go back and change anything, obviously, but maybe I can pick up where I left off.
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Sunday, November 05, 2000
12:49 PM
receiving email from as far back as October 13, so please forgive me if I haven't written back. Please feel free to resend anything I haven't answered.
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12:54 PM
surprised I don't seem to write about politics much, since I was a Poli Sci major in college. Had I started my journal when I first came online, during the '92 election, it would have mostly concerned my internship with the Democratic Party while living in the legendarily Republican Orange County, CA, just down the street from Nixon's library & birthplace (and now burial place).
At the time, I thought the juxtoposition would be interesting and indeed it was, though I was villified for being a "liberal"/"commie," when the people who were so shocked that I might be a Democrat wouldn't have been able to fathom someone being a Green or other progressive.>knowing some of the readers may not understand what you're talking
I haven't been very involved in the campaigns this year, because it's all too depressing, the dearth of choices or maybe because I've lost my idealism along the way or maybe because, like so many Americans, I feel completely alienated from the system
I find it terribly alarming that George W. Bush is so close to being elected president of the United States, as I don't think he's remotely qualified, just by virtue of being a legacy. Still, I'm sick of having to choose between the lesser of two evils. As I said many years ago, if the record store only carried Motley Crue and Barry Mannilow records, we wouldn't shop there. Why do we put up with this lack of choice, when the stakes are so much higher?
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