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I'm The One That I Want by Margaret Cho. I was so disappointed that I couldn't make the book fair at UCLA last weekend with my friend Tracey, so she thought to buy the book for me. I missed the one-woman show when I lived in New York, but Tracey and I went to see the film last fall in Santa Monica. If you want to know how much my friends rock, Tracey even had it autographed:
Erica
Good luck in New York!
-Margaret Cho
. . .
I'm also still reading Simple Indulgence: Easy, Everyday Things to Do for Me by Janet Eastman. I'm such a dork, I keep reading the quotes and ideas, but not doing the journalling portion.
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"Someday we'll find it
the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers and me
alllll of us under it's spell."
-Kermit THE Frog
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Stuck in my head:
"Boogie-oogie-oogie get down."
Thank you, Disco Stu! (My favorite Simpsons sight gag-cum-character.)
I heard Britney Spears' "Bottom of My Broken Heart" while making a selection from the feminine hygeine aisle at Wal Mart and exclaimed, "Fucking Britney Spears...Gah!"
That's one of the videos I had to watch about a million times to select snippets for the web site and the enhanced CD single. Ever hearing it again is too much, too soon.
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The Simpsons, The Sopranos & Armistead Maupin's Further Tales of the City. I didn't even realize there were making another one, I just happened to see it listed. I'm going to have to finish the book series now, as I think I've only read through the fourth book and this mini-series is based on the third book.
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While you're visiting the Gallery of Regrettable Food, don't miss Meat!. This one in particular made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. "Sometimes meat likes to dress up and feel pretty."
Swanson Parade of Lost Identity -- women who, in probably their only 15 minutes of fame, were for the most part known only as Mrs. HisLastName.
. . .
Co-Author of The Rules to divorce! So you can't manipulate a man into marrying and staying married to you? Perhaps you have to come into it as two individuals and show who you really are from the beginning? I guess this means that no amount of growing your hair long, pretending not to be smart or funny, and "training" a man will make for a happy marriage.
. . .
Ever wonder where that dollar bill's been? Mine was in Chicago two months ago.
. . .
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Another Elvis dream (I'm doing the Memphis section of my color scrapbook now, but I haven't got to Graceland yet), this one cannibalistic.
What started out as an autopsy to discover THE TRUTH, turned into Elvis Stew. It was rich and beefy. Ewwwwwwwww!
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Why is it that the same personality quirks are taken as crazy and stalky by some, while loveably wacky by others? Is there some litmus test for this, so I stop wasting my time?
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now I'm blogging what I'm eating, whoa.
Still literate as of 9/29/2000 12:20:01 AM
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just what I needed...another dorkblog.
Jeepers, creepers, I last used my peepers on 9/29/2000 12:24:59 AM
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My trip photographs, they're better than expected. Now to get them all organized, it's only been a year!
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Friday, March 16, 2001
1:50 AM
 inspired anew by what began as a letter to a woman I met in New Orleans last April. She runs her own tour company and we spoke a lot of starting our own companies, the joy of being self-employed and doing what you love all the time. It was my goal this year, with the time off, but I haven't succeeded as yet. I am happy that this came out tonight, thankful to know I haven't given up on my dreams, just reevaluating how to get there.I know what you mean about the interior journey. I feel as if I've accomplished very little this year. I went to school last fall to get a certificate in web/multimedia, but found out the program's certification expired, and I didn't have the money to go this spring, so I decided to work instead. It took me from November until last week to find a job. I thought this was a good place to get established because of lower expenses, but it's far from water and culture and just that city rhythm that I need to feel alive.
Things haven't gone according to plan. I was supposed to have freelance proofreading work, which pays very well and so I planned to do that while I bought the equipment and software I needed for web design and honed my skills a bit more. That's one area I've grown a lot in -- I did very well in my classes and learned a lot. The difference comes through in my more recent work.
I forgot how sensitive I am to my environment. Where I'm living now is the kind of place people end up -- no one I know is here because they like it or they want to be. It's where they could afford to buy a house or where their family lives. There's a stench of defeat, of resignation. The masses are opiated. People talk about TV and not a lot else. There doesn't seem to be a lot of room for difference, I'd forgotten how hard it was to grow up here. On the one hand, I miss having a social life, but on the other I can only spend so much time with people who don't think it's OK not to be married, not to drive, not to be sexist, not to be white. I'd forgotten that I wasn't exaggerating when I used to say so many people in the suburbs only know what they see on TV -- so that's where they get their idea of New York or gay people or women or black people (the fact that I'm biracial is completely lost on people...I tried to spend some time with a guy I knew from high school and he referred to someone dating me as "getting some chocolate").
You know, I've always loved travelling. It's not necessarily the fact that I'm not working, it's the exposure to new ideas, new places, new sites, new people. I wonder, then if we're just our best selves on vacation, because all the people I've met on vacation are great and we tend to keep in touch. I like to think that maybe it's just easier to sort out who's a tourist, seeking the clean, safe, Disneyfied vacation and who's a traveller, a citizen of the world, just open to experiencing what's out there.
In any case, I guess I like it on the road. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to restructure my plans. I'm willing to make certain sacrifices, but I guess I found my limit here. It's one to live here, another to work full time at something I'm no good/not interested in, still another to live with my mother. There aren't many pluses, besides the low expenses and those are far outweighed by all the rest of it. In places I've loved -- New York, Boston, San Francisco -- the only drawback is money. If I have to work two jobs there 6 months a year or work FT while I do freelance work, or whatever (I already cut down on expenses by eating in and living in shared living or residences for women), then that's what I'm going to have to do.
Meanwhile, I've written a lot and tried to keep my creative juices flowing on the side. I was very lucky to have almost an entire year off to explore and focus on that part of myself for the first time. I keep that in mind as I make plans for the next phase. I still haven't given up the dream of working for myself, but it may take another year or more. I don't have any clue about marketing and the business side of things, so I need to put some effort into learning those things.
I've had this feeling growing in me the last few years that it's time. Time to follow my dreams and make them happen. I've taken a bit of a zig-zaggy road, but I can see where it leads and that's what matters. As a girl, I always saw myself as an adult, sitting at a typewriter. I hadn't envisioned adding design to that picture until recently, but it certainly fits.
It's amazing how much more alive and connected I feel when I'm writing or exploring a new city or learning or meeting people. I've just got to find a way to make all of that work for me.
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Wednesday, March 14, 2001
12:58 PM
so contrary. I received this from a friend today. I hope she doesn't take this personally, because it's not meant that way. It's one of those mass emails we all get that sounds logical on the surface, so critical thinking goes out the window. I'm fascinated by this dichotomy between surface truth and real truth.
> Hello Ladies,
Do I look like a fucking lady?
> HAPPY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN MONTH
Actually, it's women's history month, I'd forgotten. This is the month women in the U.S. got the vote and not so very long ago.
> Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry
Screw amazing men, let us amaze ourselves.
> children, they carry
Some do. Some don't.
> hardships, and they carry burdens but they hold
> happiness, love and joy.
Not to mention heartache and sorrow at always getting second best, no matter how good they are at what they do.
> They smile when they want to scream. They sing when
> they want to cry. They
Those are terrible weaknesses more of us need to drop.
> cry when they are happy and laugh when they are
> nervous.
This makes us sound completely out of touch with our emotions and quite possibly with reality.
> They fight for what they believe in. They stand up
> for injustice. They
Not if they're smiling when they want to cry.
> don't take "no" for an answer when they believe
> there is a better solution.
Sure they do and so often when they say "no," it is not heeded.
> They go without new shoes so their children can have
That's funny, my mom used to always wear my shoes so they would stretch out and I'd have no choice but to give them to her.
> them. They go to the
> doctor with a frightened friend.
I hope this is true. I haven't experienced it. Usually there's some excuse about their boyfriend or husband or kids.
> They love unconditionally. They cry when their
The author obviously hasn't met my mother. She's far from the only one. Too often mothers don't love their daughters unconditionally if they aren't "good girls."
> children excel and cheer
> when their friends get awards. They are happy when
> they hear about a birth
> or a new marriage.
Speaking solely for myself, I'm ambivalent -- hoping to goddess the friend isn't wasting his/her life on some loser.
> Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have
I'd like to think so, but since most women I know are so entirely centered on the men in their life, nor have they had a friend die, I cannot answer that.
> sorrow at the loss of a
> family member, yet they are strong when they think
> there is no strength
> left.
I don't think this is universal among women. I'd like to think it holds true for myself, but really I break down again and again, then keep going. Like right now.
> They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken
> heart.
I'll get back to you on that one.
> Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
As do men.
> They'll drive,
Not me, but that's a special case.
> fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much
> they care about you.
I certainly do all of these things, as do most of my friends regardless of their sex. I don't know that it's universal to women. I've met some seriously selfish, petty and downright evil women (and men).
> The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
What the hell does that mean, really? What's the impact of a woman's broken heart on the earth's rotation, then?
> Women do more than just give birth.
Some of us don't even do that.
> They bring joy and hope.
Me, I'm a big fan of gloom, doom, agony and despair.
> They give compassion and ideals.
I've got yer ideals right here, buddy!
> They give moral support to their family and friends.
Again, I get this from a select group of friends -- both men and women -- and don't get it from other men and women.
> Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
I certainly agree on the former, speaking just for myself, of course.
> This has
> been sent to you from
> someone who respects you as a woman.
Well, I certainly hope she respects me as a person, because she's a great person, too.
> IT'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH!
IT'S WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH! Let's not trivialize it. A lot of women lived in misery, abuse and sacrifice so that we could have freedoms too many of us take for granted. Let us continue their fight for independence, self-determination, and self-reliance.
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1:09 PM
nostalgic for you. How was it you smelled so sweet and yet so manly, all at once? That you were just the right height for long kisses? That you thought I was brilliant and laughed at my jokes? That, even though you are the only man I've ever felt fit, was safe and close -- you couldn't let yourself love me? I didn't want to abuse you, but that seems to be your kind of thing.
I just wanted us to be. We spent relatively little time together, but it's still you I fantasize about.
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Tuesday, March 13, 2001
10:13 PM
a fuck up. I could try to say it's just stuff from my early '20s, but I keep making the same mistakes. I'm getting to the point that I can't take it anymore, and I want to pay everything off, I'm sick of having it hanging over my head. When I get the money in my hands, though, I'd rather go to a movie or something frivolous like that.
Once I went to Consumer Credit Counseling Service and paid off about 1/3 of my debt. It felt so good to see that debt coming down. I started to feel more responsible, more in control of my own life. I even paid at least one of my creditors off entirely, with a couple of others down to $100 or so. Even the $1200 and $1500 accounts were paid down to half.
Then I ended up owing the IRS $1800. By the time I made the payment arrangements and adjusted my withholding so that wouldn't happen again (or so I thought, the following year I owed $900), I took home about $200 less every two weeks, $400 per month and paid out $50 directly to the IRS.
My rent went from being a healthy 25-30% of my income, to almost 50% of my take home pay. The only things I could cut out of my budget at the time were cable and the CCCS payment (I also reduced my phone bills, needing to talk to my far flung friends is one of my biggest vices).
I just got chewed out by my mother about this, again. At least it's for something that I did and not her general disgust. Yes, I am almost 30 years old. Yes, I should know better. Yes, I should "step up." I had no idea that the best I could do here, sending resumes for 12 hours a day, was a 3 month, $10 an hour job.
I thought I was going to do proofreading for an acquiantance I've worked for in the past. It seemed a perfect fit -- great pay, I could do it from home, we already had a second line installed from my dad's modem, and I could still be here to take care of my brother.
It never panned out. I call the guy now and he doesn't return my calls. I wish our timing had been more in sync.
I keep emailing all my friends, asking for help or saying I've set a date and am leaving. On the one hand, I feel I cannot justify leaving when I owe so much money. On the other, I cannot spend 50 hours a week getting to and from and working at a job, going cross-eyed looking at numbers all day, then come home and heat up dinner, cook something for the next night (because it's already 5:30 when we get home and The Boy can't eat much later than that due to his bed time), do my laundry or other chores, load the dishwasher and get yelled at by the both of them night after night.
Something has to give. I can work 40 hours a week and commute for about an hour and not feel all put out or burned out. I can deal with the abusive attitudes if I at least have some time to myself (with everyone's schedules, that's either during the day or late at night). I don't mind cooking at all, but I can't do all of it -- I was completely fried just doing it for one week. Then I'm supposed to spend my weekend cleaning my room and packing my things so my mother can refinance her house, so she can save money and remodel her room and not spend any more of her money from the life insurance (that, so help me I am sure my father would've liked used to help out his kids).
I'm just drained. In a perfect world, I could stay here as long as I want (my mother says I'm more than welcome to, but it would kill what's left of my spirit) and use the rent-free (there's another price paid, however) time to pay off my debts. I'd like to finish the 3 months at this assignment and then go, but if I feel so near a breakdown after just one week, I don't know how I can do that.
I'm trying dammit, but all I want to do is be in bed until this nightmare is over. But it's not a bad dream, it's my real life and I've got to clear my head long enough to figure out how to fix it.
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